PROJECT CARPE DIEM

To all the women with the flaws, know it’s hard my darling 
You wonder why you’re lonely and your man’s not calling 
You keep falling victim cause you’re insecure 
And when I tell you that you’re beautiful you can’t be sure 
Cause he don’t seem to want you back and it got you asking 
So all you see is what you lacking, not what you packing

~ J.Cole, Crooked Smile

It’s been years since I have bought an album and in one day, I’ve bought two.  Through my travels/listening session en route to get my haircut I focus on this song.  The second single from one of my favourite new artists.  I’m in a space right now where I’m looking at myself and really diving into what’s important to me going forward.  The book of choice this week, The Four Agreements, a book highly recommended and it’s interesting.  The first chapter delves into our agreements or in layman’s terms, the beliefs that we hold to be true.  Note:  I will be expounding this novel next, so I’m not going to get to in-depth.  Basically the things the things we hold to be true aren’t necessarily all that important.

Crooked Smile

I see all these people making themselves up to be something they’re not in hopes of not sticking out.  This doesn’t just apply to women either, men are by and large, huge proponents of putting on a face.  There this saying about money…

“And they say money change you, but money don’t change you.  It just makes you more of what you already are.”  ~ Little Brother

Why?  That is the question.  What is our infatuation with being accepted?  Is being yourself so frowned upon that being a clown is the new human?  Its like when people fear to ask a question for fear of being rejected and you can lump me into that category sometimes.  A wise man once told me that you lose nothing by asking the question.  If the person disagrees with you, at least you made the effort.  The adverse of that is they may actually be interested in what you’re offering.  Either way, you lose nothing.  For our purposes, if someone is not feeling you because you’re being yourself, they can kick rocks.  Not worth the time, nor the effort because you’ll have to continuously keep up the facade.

I remember growing my hair on two separate occasions because an inconsiderate person made light of my odd-shaped head.  As an adult I realize the fault was on me for letting that person have that amount of power over me.  If I had been more self-confident then, I would dust the dirt off my shoulder and pressed on.  That’s my issue, not the person who made the remark.  As a bartender I see many people place their best disguises on to charm the opposite sex.  It may work, but in the end, you’ll be found out as a fraud and it will ruin whatever illusion you’ve created.

Now back to your crooked smile, beautiful in its uniqueness.  Crooked smile is metaphor for any insecurity you think is more important than it really is.  Whether it’s a lumpy head, a crooked smile, a frumpy body, modest breasts, big lips or whatever, you have two choices;

1)  Live with what you have and build the confidence within yourself to know you’re beautiful.

2)  Do something to fix it (naturally)!  Surgery or pills aren’t the key, that’s a different side of the same coin.  It’s still a disguise, mask and facade.

The other aspect of it is that we build things up in our psyches much larger than they truly are.  Once again, the cure is in self-confidence.  Take it from this guy who writes about my insecurities and speaks freely about the way I feel through this medium.  Be yourself and let me see your bright, beautiful jibs.

Carpe Diem Que

“One life, you fuckin’ die.  That’s it!  You don’t know what’s on the other side and we hope for this, that.  We hope for Candy land, but we don’t know.  It could be as simple as get in a box and stay there for all fuckin’ eternity.  You had your shot, you’re a computer, we shut you down and you’re finished.  So, if that’s the case, it behooves you to shoot for your dreams every time…in a world where you’re going to fuckin’ die”

~ Kevin Smith, Director/Artist

The Grizzly bear looking man grasped my hand and almost shook it off.  We exchanged pleasantries and he began to reach into my psyche and describe my person.  Who I am?  The power I possess.  My uneasiness from the way my eyes darted from laterally.  The power in my body language.  The leadership I could possess if only I harnessed my true nature.  Remember, this is my first encounter with this man.  Eddie is a Lion, not like any I’ve met before.  My colleagues were astounded by his accuracy drawing conclusions about them and his wisdom.  He spoke of auras and pride, things most people would scoff at.  A great many things were spoken between us, but what I ultimately took away was be true to thyself.

One Way

I had a discussion with two close friends yesterday about the importance of one of the two honing his expertise and taking hold of his life.  I say that with a little trepidation because I, myself, have been pussyfooting over things that must be done.  What’s that famous line again?  ”Be the change you want to see”.  I realized that while helping my friend, I was essentially diagnosing my own shortcomings as well.

Ed the Lion mentioned that to me too.  He told me to draft a list and “start scratching those items out”.  This would be a blahzhay comment, had I mentioned PCD.  I said nothing and he just arbitrarily made that statement.  Happenstance?  Probably not, sometimes you meet people who are just in tune to their surroundings and the world at large.  Once this great Lion breathed those words into existence, I tied my laces, dusted off my shirt and wiped my brow.  I was back on the proverbial horse.

I began this very blog and struggled for the correct words to articulate my thoughts.  It would seem firing without momentum leads to stagnation and I almost began the same cycle that has had me procrastinating to great effect.  Note:  if this sounds like you, get up off your ass!!!  I thought back to our conversation about being true to who you are and not trying to change yourself or anyone else to tailor them to you.  The great Lion, Ed, told me that many great things are before you, if you’re willing to experience slight discomfort for greater gain.  So, I pondered, “am I chasing whimsies?”

Wise words, right?!  Enter Joe Rogan, an unusual segue, I know.  Joe, widely known for his UFC commentary, Fear Factor reality show and a very memorable Dave Chappelle skit.  To most people, he’s regarded as a douche with no substance or backing for such a name.  People for whatever reason like to point their finger and say this person is that.  It’s a societal thing, it’s comforting to place people in categories because it helps us define our own superiority on some fictitious rating scale.  I digress, Joe has some truly insightful vignettes where he speaks on many topics from relationships to the errs in our school system to our materialistic nature.  Some of my favourites:

His candor is refreshing, especially since I never foresaw such insight from this medium.  These discussions that my girlfriend defines as “people talking” (hahaha) have become my salvation in unfamiliar surroundings.  This is absolutely necessary, muses and motivation and enlightened.  Everyone should seek to be true to thyself.  Baby B and I would speak for hours about the importance of freeing yourself from mental constructs, most of which are self designed.  For most of my readers to this is already trampled ground, but it holds true.  It is imperative to follow your dreams, surround yourself with positivity and continue to grow.

With my newfound insight, I wrote this and signed up for hot yoga classes.  An item on my list and a necessary evil to conquer the soreness from years of playing sports.  Next on the docket, salsa lessons.  There is nothing gained from not trying and if you don’t succeed, even in failure you’ll grow and attain wisdom.  Remember, you may not be a unique snowflake, but you are somebody, not just a cog in a system of gears.

Be true to thyself.

Carpe Diem Que

“All the pressure and the weight they tryin’
To make explanations about why we ain’t live up to expectations
I know you expect greatness but
Allow me to tell you the truth
Great is when you master doing you”

~ Jon Connor, Still Here (While you were sleeping)

I suppose it’s safe to say that I’m back after a two month hiatus.  In that time, I’ve changed jobs, moved away (again!) and met a ton of new people.  Needless to say, life is good.  I’m steadily taking strides to become the person I envisioned when this philosophy shift took place.  The list has bathed in the Lazarus pit and I’m prepared to topple it with reckless abandon.  I’m not exactly sure where to begin here, but I’ll take a stab.

This commercial woke the sleeping lion within.  It resonated and reminded me of my purpose.  You know the old adage, “you must do the things that others won’t do, in order to have the things tomorrow that others won’t have”.  I partially agree with that statement.  You can be all about tomorrow, but remember today is just as important.  Don’t forgo your youth for a shot at the proverbial pie in the sky.  It may never come and if it does, you may not be able to enjoy it.  My good friend, Mel and I discussed these topics over pints of stout and a game of Tetris.  She’s a beautiful soul that just gets it.  The main cusp of our conversation was, “why wait?”  What are you waiting for?  When this conversation arises, you’ll hear the individuals that frequently spew a plethora of excuses.

“Well, I can’t because…”

“That would never work out because…”

“I know so and so who tried that and failed, it’s not a good decision”

The list goes on like a medieval scroll of the towns grievances.  One of the great parts of my life is defying what people’s expectations are.  I live in a neighbourhood surrounded by houses ranging from 1.5 to 4 million dollars and people fret over how I would make ends meet with rent that almost equalled some people’s mortgage.

“I’ll make ends meet like I always have”

Instead of fretting over the possible mortgage I could have, I tie my laces tighter and remember – “That is not your path”.  I’ll be honest, my determination and strength of character was called into character over these last two months.  I almost lost my way and this move, but was helped up…with a little help from my friends.  When I signed my lease in early February, I became another person.  It felt like I would dawn the salt and pepper look earlier than my years.  It wasn’t a good feeling, I was stressed and uncommonly so.  My belief in providence suplexed me back to reality and it was perpetuated by new people.

Julie.

A shy hostess with a Colgate smile feverishly scribbled on numerous pages of paper, well past her shift.  I make it common practice to introduce myself to everyone I work with.  I met her earlier that day and the bar was quiet, so I asked her “what are you writing?”  She quickly gathered her papers and nervously peered at me.

“Oh?  Excuse me.  I thought you were working on your orientation handbook, I was going to help you out.”

She relaxes.

“No.  I just like to get my thoughts out when I think too much.”

“Oh yeah?  Me too.  I write a blog.”

“Me too!”

Her nervous coat of armour dissipated like acid to rust, what remained was a smile of excitement.  We spoke about our dreams and books we’d read.  This girl was a life lister and more importantly she was a free spirit, not unlike Mel and myself.  A feeling of elation warms my heart when I meet a kindred spirit.  We spoke for about thirty minutes and I let her read my dream book.  This was a young woman who would make giant waves in life and I was proud of her.  I am a decade her senior and for her to connect the dots so young is remarkable.

“I’d rather die at 40 and live an extraordinary life rather than follow the traditional path.”

She reiterates a tearful conversation she had with her father.  The words choke out as she tells me and I spot it right away – passion.  After a discussion with her, I know my journey needs to be reignited.

Ahmed.

“We work and work and work to make money.  When we don’t have money we stress about money.  There’s no time for enjoy”

Closing bar not only leaves me drained, but also leaves me without TTC options.  I live a short fifteen minute drive away from work and Ahmed is a cabbie that chills outside awaiting late night departures.  I enter the cab, back seat style, (apparently the front seat suburban style is frowned upon).  Ahmed made the above comment during an in-depth discussion with me.  I completely agree, one of my boys works like a mule and by the end of the week – the money’s gone and he’s too exhausted to do anything.  I feel for him and often think of ways to help propel him out.  This is what Ahmed was speaking about, after he drops me off.  I tip him and he begins to turn the cabbie around.

“Hey Que, you work late nights, right?  I’m going to come and see you for a drink.”  He extends his right hand.

“I’ll see you then, Ahmed.”  I return the gesture.

I was tripping for a while, stressing and generally unravelling.  These people and a host of notable mentions led me away from the edge.  There’s a million quotes and maxims that I subscribe to, but this one fits the bill like no other.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life:  It goes on”  ~ Robert Frost

Carpe Diem Que

“Don’t worry about figuring it all out, I’m 55 and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up”

~ My retired father

I have a strange addiction, I put immense faith into fortune cookies, it’s a ritual really.  I break the seal, read the fortune, consummate the fortune by eating the cookie (that wasn’t supposed to sound sexual) and I covet it like a ‘get out of jail’ Monopoly card until I have my next cookie.  Yes, I know this sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.  The ironic part is, I don’t put any value in fortune tellers, astrology or horoscopes.

“Do not fear what’s ahead, you will conquer everything”  ~ Fortune Cookie

I turned thirty-one yesterday and I never could have written this script.  New residence.  New opportunity.  New city.  This all feels very surreal, I have dreams of sitting in my own place and thinking “What now?”  The people I’ve become accustomed to having around me will now be a little distant, but not far away.  Last night, I truly appreciated the love I received from all over.  Friends far and near, it reminds me during this time that real people last forever, not just for a season.  My Edmonton crew, brotha Kai, writing class 16, the girl Chantezzi, Beckers, whomever it is, these are all people I’ve befriended and through the years, they’ve remained.  Thank y’all for being such compassionate people, you inspire me.

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you’ll renegotiate
Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
Don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we’ll never stop this train

~ John Mayer, Stop this train (Continuum)

A year older in years, seven years younger in feel.  You’re only as old as you feel, right?  I’ve got to a point of unprecedented happiness, even with the minor blips of anxiety.  I forge forward, writing down my goals for the year ahead and plot future success, personally and professionally.  All the time moving forward, through trial and error, nothing stops a rhino from advancing.

Say I’ll be home for the holidays
So when you see me, better holla at me
I gotta get up out this city ‘fore it try to trap me
I gotta leave, I wish I could stay
But I’ll be home for the holidays
And to those that I used to know
From way before, keep your head up
Come let’s get this bread up
Girl, I gotta go, wish I could stay
But I’m coming home for the holidays

~ J.Cole, Home for the holidays (Friday Night Lights)

My father always told me to “wear my crown” and I finally feel like I’m approaching the cusp of greatness.

Carpe Diem Que