“In my experience, the prettier the girl is, the more nuts she is, which makes you insane. Like Betty Coo-coo crazy. It’s not your fault, you know?”
~ Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine
Don’t sell yourself to fall in love,
With the things you do
Don’t sell yourself
To fall in love
With those things you do.
~ Slum Village, Fall in Love
I don’t know if it’s just Valentine’s runoff or seasonal depression kicking in, but I have been writing these relationship pieces heavy this month. I read a piece of literature that was completely accurate to what dudes do wrong when pursuing a possible relationship. If not for copyright laws, I would just post the article. It really encompasses everything I believe and maybe have forgotten along the way. I’ll try my best to convey the general message.
I have struggled with the writing of this one for almost a week, wanting to say all the right things. Saying the right things isn’t why I became a writer though. The Hank Moody character that David Duchovny plays flawlessly thinks along the same lines as I would. Every woman is special in their own given way. No two are the same and that’s the intrigue. It’s like a new snowflake every time. In my adult life, I’ve only really connected with four women and while there have been others that look gorgeous, they just don’t resonate with me.
This brings me to my next point, just because a woman is beautiful or smart or working with something sexy doesn’t make her the correct fit for you. A beautiful woman who’s crazy, selfish, lacks compassion and is just blatantly cruel can drop from a ten to a four, quick fast. My boy makes it his hobby to date the most beautiful woman, often times he finds himself catering to their psychosis too. I don’t know why that is? I figure because the woman is beautiful, she’s probably dated more and in turn, had a greater chance to be jaded by bad experiences. That’s one theory, but their are many.
For me, and I think for most people, the perfect woman should have more than just looks. To say appearance doesn’t matter would be an outright lie, but inner beauty as well as outer is important. My buddy, Expo Jeff, puts it plainly “Man, there’s a lot of T & A running around here. I would much prefer B & E – brains and eyes”. That is one man’s preference and quite frankly, that shit was refreshing to hear. He’s younger than me and that type of elevated thinking is admirable.
When searching for the perfect woman, there’s no real checklist. None of the women I’ve dated (or had relations with) are remotely similar. Each carries their own particular set of personality defects and quirks. Actually, for me, the mentality of a woman far outweighs the appearance. I think you dudes should strongly consider thinking about the heart of a woman rather than look of her. That may sound corny on the surface, but let me explain.
When you date someone, there’s obviously the chance of it progressing into something more, right? Why else would you waste your time on a dud? Therefore, if you’re dating someone who could potentially be something greater, wouldn’t it be better to do your due diligence? I mean, you wouldn’t invest your life savings with a corrupt financial adviser, would you?
A woman whose into you should act as if she is. Far too often we waste time on women who are clearly not into us for one reason or another. Whether that be baggage or just a disconnect. No matter how much you want it to work gentlemen, if she isn’t putting forth the same amount of effort as you, something is wrong. My favourite line from ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is “…never respect anyone who doesn’t respect you”.
Make sure she is compassionate, a heart of gold isn’t just a Neil Young song. It’s the greatest attribute a person can have. The ability to care for others more than yourself is my number one. Compassion shows a lot about a person’s character and in most cases will overshadow any other personality defects.
Don’t try to compete with the Joneses’ because you’ll get found out. In other words, don’t be something that you’re not. I know the novelty period of a relationship is nice, you display all your best qualities in order to grasp that person’s attention. Make sure the best qualities you’re displaying are in fact yours. “Be yourself, everybody else is taken” (Oscar Wilde). There’s nothing worse than pretending to be something you’re not and getting found out. Don’t front.
This has got to be my number two, make sure you can converse with this person. Find common ground or at least be able to discuss things that are important to the both of you with intelligence. Ignorance, arrogance and stupidity have got to be my axis of evil. If you can’t carry on a discussion for more than one date, something is wrong? I don’t know what it is, but it’s a huge deal.
This wasn’t a checklist, but I think you get the picture I’m painting. Brains over body, soul over beauty.
“I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it. The thing that makes them special. I guess that’s all anybody really wants. To be seen, to be recognized…” ~ David Duchovny, Californication
Carpe Diem Que