“Boy stop live down inna de past”
~ Beenie Man
You know that feeling of nostalgia that wisps over your being when recounting moments from the past? It can be triggered by a conversation, a song, whatever. I feel as if I’ve been in a state of perpetual rewind, constantly looking backwards rather than striding forward. I read something recently about leaving the past where it lies and moving on. The long and the short of it was that those memories are meant to lie. They’re meant to be remembered, but not rekindled. If you live in the past, you’ll miss out on the present. I feel like this is a recurring theme in my work over the course of the last two months.
Maybe it’s that feeling when you’re caught between seasons and anxiously awaited the roll over. I don’t know, but I do know that this shit has got to change now. I have been walking around like a drone, much like the people I’ve spent the last two years separating myself from. Have you ever felt like a shell of your former self? The writing has been difficult and my mood, melancholy.
My friend continuously recounts our past, wishing that the choices we made were different. Personally, I feel regrets are a disease and useless. My problem isn’t that I wish I was there, but that I speak about it too much. I might as well be wishing for it. So, where does the problem stem from? This has been an awkward question to answer, but I have found the solution. My present is living up to my expectations.
I have all but forgot all the moves that got me to the dance. The 80/20 principle. Parkinson’s Law. Act as if. The absence of arguing. These concepts and principles took three decades just to cultivate, forgetting them now is a disservice. Hell, I can’t even remember what I used to write about prior to a ‘Gentleman’s Guide…”.
So, what now? Well, it’s time to put the past to bed.
The best way to do this, is to write mindlessly about all the things flooding my thoughts.
1). Women. Ugh, I know, not a huge issue, but it has its place. Watching one of my best mates experiencing such a happy union with his new boo does remind me of times past and how much fun I used to have. I fear that I will forever live like George Clooney, dating forever and never committing. Being “picky” is one thing, but I’m something entirely different. I believe the ‘Gentleman’s Guide’ was not only a forum to help other dudes (…and it did serve it’s purpose in that respect), but it was also a module for me to vent.
2). Training. I broke my hand uncharacteristically on someone’s face about nine weeks back. Up until that point, I was on point. My training was going as planned and I was right in line to begin training for hot yoga and boxing. A lapse in judgement set me back two months. Chalk this up to learning from your mistakes and moving on. I have called on the help of my boys and re-instituted ‘Team Diesel’, a program originally invented to push and promote healthy living between my boys and I. This seems like a great time for it.
3). Gnarly bacterial infection. It wasn’t too long after I broke my hand that I experienced what could have been described as ’21 days later’ style bacterial infection on my face. While I wasn’t spouting blood and running mindlessly to eat flesh, I was looking like an extra from Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’
4). Hops, wheat and barley. I’m a beer drinker, I could faithfully take a taste challenge blindfolded and name every beer on tap. While I’m not a drunkard, I do tend to have the casual one or two after a day of work. My realization that a casual one or two is no longer casual if it happens constantly jolted me. I’m back on the ‘Hero Workout‘. Six pints a week and no excuses.
5). Love affair with candy. Diabetes is a serious illness and runs in my family. I love Popeye cigarettes, Runts and a package of Skittles as much as the next guy, but seriously 4 ibs. of sugar in a week is not helping matters.
I have some things to clean up before volleyball season. The most important of which being my mind. I have to search for that state of mind I had in August before moving back. Dust my shoulders off, strap on my cleats and run to the finish line. I have redirected the ‘Gentleman’s guide’ relationship blogs to ‘Sex and the Shitty‘. It seems like the perfect outlet and I’d like to thank Elle for allowing me to write for her blog. First post went up today, just a fyi. Two blogs in one day, if that isn’t progress than I don’t know what is.
Have a great week y’all
Carpe Diem Que