Today was a difficult day. From waking late to finding out you ate all the Kashi cereal. You left without saying goodbye, perhaps that’s my fault. It’s hardly the novelty period of our relationship anymore. The cliché, “two ships passing in the night” couldn’t be more fitting. We are together more so out of necessity and comfort than love and companionship. It’s my fault, I know. I became career oriented and lost the spontaneity that brought me to the dance. After awhile I became recluse and enjoyed my time with-slash-without you.
You no longer compliment the way I dress or my looks, I guess it’s reciprocal, I haven’t even looked at you in months. The women at work are becoming more outspoken in their flirtations. I can’t lie, I secretly love it. I find myself sometimes adding gasoline to the fire. I know that can be construed as cheating, but I haven’t done anything… although I’ve thought about it many times.
You work at your practice surrounded by men, I know the same thoughts run through your head. Sigh. That thought sickens me so. Why can’t I remember what I lost? What we lost? I’m riding the train home now and there’s a woman across the car that looks like you. That’s probably why I began thinking these thoughts. I rarely think about you other than when we are eating across from each other. Oh, she just smiled at me. I must be staring. I remember your smile and how it warms my heart. I haven’t seen it in some time, but the warmth is something that can’t be forgotten.
Relationships are difficult and ours is no exception. We do what we can to make ends meet and take on each other’s problems. When we started I would have gladly leapt into a burning building to rescue you from harm. Nowadays, I don’t remember what that even feels like. I wonder if you think these thoughts too?
The train has stopped and the thought of you thinking the same exact thoughts scares the hell outta me. Wow! That was a complete 180. Perhaps it’s not too late to find your smile again. I know I’ve missed it. There’s gotta be a reason why I haven’t taken up the offers given by my co-workers. I try to reminisce about when we first met and how beautiful you looked when you came to the door. I was outwardly nervous. You weren’t supposed to be with me. Your beauty dwarfed even the best smile I could muster with my dimples included. I felt an uneasiness around you that I was unfamiliar with. You know all the wrong things you’re not supposed to say, I found myself saying all of them. You mocked my nervousness and laughed off my choking on sentences. That was the moment. The moment when I knew I wanted to spend my life with you.
I know how you’re sitting right now, one leg up, resting your elbow on your knee while nibbling on your pointer finger knuckle. Some things never change, you’ve been doing that for years. I watch you rise and head to the door. In the meantime, I creep to the back and enter through the back door.
When she returns to her desk, she’s greeted by a grande caramel frappuccino, a bouquet of hibiscus and this week’s People magazine. There’s that smile I remember, she turns into my arms. You know that warming my heart sensation I mentioned, well, it’s back! Some things can be changed and some things cannot. I can change a fractured relationship before it breaks completely and the thought of you smiling like this for someone else is something I could never stomach.
Today was a difficult day… but, at least it ended great.
Cherish what you have before it’s gone.
Carpe Diem Que