"Look, I know that sounds harsh. But it's true, and you need to hear the truth. Okay? Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. Just for this conversation. Do you know what that looks like? It looks like you're sucking on a tiny schvantz, is that what you want? Is that the message you wanna send to everybody?"
Today was a difficult day. From waking late to finding out you ate all the Kashi cereal. You left without saying goodbye, perhaps that’s my fault. It’s hardly the novelty period of our relationship anymore. The cliché, “two ships passing in the night” couldn’t be more fitting. We are together more so out of necessity and comfort than love and companionship. It’s my fault, I know. I became career oriented and lost the spontaneity that brought me to the dance. After awhile I became recluse and enjoyed my time with-slash-without you.
You no longer compliment the way I dress or my looks, I guess it’s reciprocal, I haven’t even looked at you in months. The women at work are becoming more outspoken in their flirtations. I can’t lie, I secretly love it. I find myself sometimes adding gasoline to the fire. I know that can be construed as cheating, but I haven’t done anything… although I’ve thought about it many times.
You work at your practice surrounded by men, I know the same thoughts run through your head. Sigh. That thought sickens me so. Why can’t I remember what I lost? What we lost? I’m riding the train home now and there’s a woman across the car that looks like you. That’s probably why I began thinking these thoughts. I rarely think about you other than when we are eating across from each other. Oh, she just smiled at me. I must be staring. I remember your smile and how it warms my heart. I haven’t seen it in some time, but the warmth is something that can’t be forgotten.
Relationships are difficult and ours is no exception. We do what we can to make ends meet and take on each other’s problems. When we started I would have gladly leapt into a burning building to rescue you from harm. Nowadays, I don’t remember what that even feels like. I wonder if you think these thoughts too?
The train has stopped and the thought of you thinking the same exact thoughts scares the hell outta me. Wow! That was a complete 180. Perhaps it’s not too late to find your smile again. I know I’ve missed it. There’s gotta be a reason why I haven’t taken up the offers given by my co-workers. I try to reminisce about when we first met and how beautiful you looked when you came to the door. I was outwardly nervous. You weren’t supposed to be with me. Your beauty dwarfed even the best smile I could muster with my dimples included. I felt an uneasiness around you that I was unfamiliar with. You know all the wrong things you’re not supposed to say, I found myself saying all of them. You mocked my nervousness and laughed off my choking on sentences. That was the moment. The moment when I knew I wanted to spend my life with you.
Knock. Knock.
I know how you’re sitting right now, one leg up, resting your elbow on your knee while nibbling on your pointer finger knuckle. Some things never change, you’ve been doing that for years. I watch you rise and head to the door. In the meantime, I creep to the back and enter through the back door.
When she returns to her desk, she’s greeted by a grande caramel frappuccino, a bouquet of hibiscus and this week’s People magazine. There’s that smile I remember, she turns into my arms. You know that warming my heart sensation I mentioned, well, it’s back! Some things can be changed and some things cannot. I can change a fractured relationship before it breaks completely and the thought of you smiling like this for someone else is something I could never stomach.
Today was a difficult day… but, at least it ended great.
Cherish what you have before it’s gone.
Carpe Diem Que
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Hey…your epidermis is showing
30 May“No thinking – that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is… to write, not to think!”
~ Sean Connery, Finding Forrester
Worldwide surveys have found that glossophobia (fear of public speaking) far exceeds any other phobias. People would rather die than stand at the helm of a crowd and say something. I conquered this phobia long ago when I decided to display my Milli Vanilli-esque dance moves for show and tell. Last night marked the second bartender competition I’ve experienced since joining the restaurant. The only difference was that I was flaring this time around.
Working on lack of sleep and insufficient practice (yes, I’m talking about practice), I feel we did pretty well. I was far from perfect, but standing in front of a crowd and doing something extraordinary was admirable. I could tell you that there’s nothing to getting up infront of a crowd and doing something different. That would be a lie. I have danced in my boxer briefs a la stripper-esque style and I’ve delivered a valedictorian speech before strangers. This isn’t unfamiliar to me, but the thing about it is, you never lose those butterflies. The moment you stand there and peer into an anxious crowd will always give you that anxiety.
Turning your stress into eustress is the key to toppling this fear. Once you begin, know there’s no backtracking. It’s paramount to begin, just beginning is the first step in anything. Don’t think, just do. There I was music started, routine begun and my mind drew a blank. They told me it’d happen, we practiced for three hours and still had errors. All of that put into consideration, I still did the damn thang. I’m extremely happy that I completed it and it’s amazing. This goes along with what I said last week about just doing and thinking later.
Thanks to everyone that came out and supported our toga flaring competition for the Toronto Humane society.
Carpe Diem Que