“I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly”
~ Friday the 13th: Jason Lives
Hallows ween, the great scare fest. I have come to the conclusion that I’m no longer built for this holiday. Off the heels of Paranormal Activity four, I realize that I refuse to pay for fear. I’m sitting there, anxiety building, anticipating Toby going ape shit and killing this family. My girl, Em, is shrieking every few seconds as the tension builds. Somewhere near an hour in, I wonder to myself, “why am I here?”
That being said, I’m on my way up North with two girlfriends to dog sit, one of which won’t stop snarling at me. This prized property is in butt-fuck Idaho, on twenty-seven acres of seclusion. Yes, I’m fully aware that in horror films, the black usually dies first. So, again, “why am I here?”
This got me to thinking about the phobias that people have. Anxiety of speaking in public. Fear of approaching someone attractive. Phobia of spiders, snakes, insects, roller coasters, etcetera, etcetera. The laundry list is endless. I knew someone who feared cotton swabs and balloons.
Overcoming fears is a building block to becoming one with your primitive ancestors. In our lives, we experience the same ‘fight or flight’ responses day-to-day. If you don’t act fast these fears can paralyze you. This in turn becomes a recurring theme that constantly haunts you until you defeat it. You know that feeling of triumph once you’ve toppled this fear, you feel like you can topple it at anytime.
Well, this holiday, I wanted to teach you a couple of lessons I’ve learned from horror films. This will help you overcome some fears you may have about the supernatural.
1) If there’s a demon inhabiting your home, don’t search for answers. Get the what out!
2) If a camp is known as “camp blood”, don’t volunteer to be a camp counsellor. There’s probably a reason it got its namesake.
3) If a mutilated pedophile with claw fingers haunts on Elm street – don’t visit or move in there.
4) When you hear the story of a serial killer who wants to kill everyone in his family. Don’t befriend said family. It probably isn’t in your best interest.
5) Okay, there’s a futuristic spider-faced bounty killer with dreads whom harms anyone which he deems a challenge. My advice, be as docile as a lamb.
6) The zombie apocalypse has begun and you’ve had little to no time to prepare. Find your way to the closest mall. Find as many weapons as possible and live in the supermarket.
Carpe Diem Que