“Here’s a jewel though, Imma give it to y’all same way it was given to me. Real n*gg*s don’t fall in love, we stand up in it”
~ Joe Budden, So Good
Carrie: Have you ever been in love? Big: Abso-fuckin-lutely!
~ Sex and the City, S01, E01
I have to admit that I was a bit apprehensive about treading through this pool. Given my cuffing blog two weeks ago, but with a lack of information to properly proceed with the blog I had scheduled for today, the show must continue and I have deadlines to meet.
Love. The weight of the word is heavier than Atlas’ burden. I have been quietly compiling information for this one over the last few months. I won’t lie to you, this one is directly made for the ladies. Men may find some helpful tidbits, but for the most part, we all have our own feelings about what love offers.
I have been researching for a new show I’m writing, which has me re-watching the whole ‘Sex and the city’ series. There was an episode where Charlotte (Kristin Davis) states that you have two great loves in life. If that’s true, your chances for success have got to be less than 1%. I’ve been in love once, it was one hell of an experience and the pain of it’s subsequent conclusion doesn’t deter me from embarking on another journey. If it were true that you only had two great loves in this world, the gambler in me would increase my odds by traveling outside of my scope.
“Are you dating anyone?” ~ Zee Rocket
My homegirl asked me this last night and I’m always skittish about my response. Truth is, I’m incredibly selective and I’m partially frightened to let someone else in. The opening up versus shutting down debate has been waging on for months. Generally, I’m an open person, a la this blog, but there are somethings that must be kept under lock and key. This medium, as truthful as it is has actually scared some potential candidates away, but like the first vignette stated “you have to find something for you” and this is it for me. She had to be excused.
I look for what is most different from myself and I think that’s general for everybody. Men date bitches because there’s that flair and excitement. Women date dicks because there’s that chance to change him for the good. When you get older and wiser, these paradigms may not appeal anymore, but you still have your own beliefs on what is attractive. Most adults I speak to, don’t really like the Han Solo type, they want someone more like Luke Skywalker with a bit of an edge.
“Its all I want and it’s all that’s causing me hurt”
That’s one of my friend’s feelings about the subject. I’m always intrigued by people’s definition of what love is. For women, it’s like there’s a pendulum inching closer to them. The older they get, the less they think their chances for finding a mate. For men, or me anyway, I think of it this way; take care of my mind, body and soul, everything else will fall into place. In my understanding, from the people I’ve spoken to, men are less conflicted about who they’ll end up with. It’s more of a physical attachment than an emotional, at least for the underdeveloped male mind. My good friend once told me, “you have sex first and date them after”. For a person like me, raised on Humphrey Bogart films and grandiose romantic gestures, I’ve learned to tone down the Ted Mosby in myself.
“Can you rub some lotion on my back?” ~ Carpe Diem Que
The litmus test. I don’t believe in divorce. Never saw it my household and never subscribed to it. I take a John Mayer-ish approach to it.
“I can tell you this much
I will marry just once
And if it doesn’t work out
Give her half of my stuff
It’s fine with me
We said eternity”
~ John Mayer, Home Life
I say that to say this, knowing the person you’re with should be paramount. I see some people get married after being together for six months and everything works out beautifully. They may have conducted their own litmus testing. Compassion and courtesy are the pillars I hang my hat on. If the person you’re with, male or female, exhibits these traits, you’re on the right path.
Relationships are hard work. Love is a process. You’re dealing with two people’s mentalities, not just one. Give and take, compromise, these are all things that come into play. Once entrenched in a relationship, you form alliances with your partner’s family and this is work. It’s not necessarily hard work, but it’s work nonetheless. You’re presenting yourself. Your thoughts. Your beliefs. Hoping they’ll accept you and love the person you are…or at least tolerate you. I have been at dinner parties with a girlfriend’s family and watched them crucify another relative’s partner. My goal was personally to never be that guy that gives fuel for people to burn me at the stake. When a relationship ends, you lose those ties and the thought of beginning anew is sort of exhausting.
Ambition is the key for men. For all the dudes out there reading this post and are struggling finding someone, say this word “ambition”. Being a man is well and good, that goes without saying. Our genetic makeup makes us inherently different, but to find something you love and practice it to an end is divine and attractive. Your passion for something you love is the most attractive quality about a man, providing you’re not cocky or talking over people.
Being a gentleman never goes out of style. Trust me, I’m stylish, I know. There’s a reason why Daniel Craig is the perfect embodiment of 007 for women. He’s both debonair and assertive in his manhood. This aspect of a person’s personality is always appreciated. Ladies, don’t think this doesn’t apply to you. Once your date, man, or husband opens the door for you, feel free to return the favour. There’s nothing like opening a door for your woman and then she doesn’t reciprocate. You’re standing there fiddling with your keys while she sits there twiddling her thumbs – MESSAGE – litmus test.
“Where do I find people? There’s no men anywhere?” ~ Crissie
I hate people who say they don’t have time to search for someone. I’m not asking you to find Waldo, but at least put yourself out there. Take a class. Go out for dinner somewhere different. Hit a book store, my personal favourite. Order a bottle of wine with some friends, meet people. Meeting people is not a hard task, in fact, it’s one of the few simplistic things we have going for us in this complicated world. It’s easy to open your mouth and say hello, I find men are too preoccupied with saying the wrong things. Worry less about that and more about the person you could be letting slip away. That could be your 1 of 2 (laughing). [Don't mind me, I'm not a fan of the "lol"]
“That’s the thing. I wasn’t thinking. That kind of shit just doesn’t happen to me often, ever! …beautiful girl is kind enough to kiss you, you kiss her right back”
~ Damien, Californication S02 E12
My final thought on this subject is this, don’t get caught up. Men are rendered helpless by temptations of the flesh. If you ask most cheaters if there was something wrong in their relationships, they will emphatically reply “no”. When the opportunity provides itself, men will stray if the temptation is enticing enough. You have to be strong willed to resist such things or don’t get caught up. Remove yourself from scenarios that may endanger your relationship.
This blog didn’t turn out the way I intended, but like with most works, characters take on a personality by themselves. I think this could be a compilation of all the GG’s in vignette format and I’m glad so many people have enjoyed them. I don’t know if I’ll do another, my mind leans towards yes. I will tell you this much, don’t run from love because you’re afraid of heartbreak. Heartbreak is just part of the process. I’d be lying if I said, I get it, that’s the furtherest thing from the truth. I’m thirty and single, but my passion keeps me occupied. Let your passions guide you through life and you loves compliment your passions.
Carpe Diem Que
What Quality of Person are you?
26 JanThis is my world, this is my arena
The TV told me something different I didn’t believe it
I stand here in front of you today all because of an idea
I could be who I wanted if I could see my potential
And I know that one day I’mma be him
Put the gloves on, sparring with my ego
Everyone’s greatest Escitaloden
Celebrate that achievement
Got some attachments, some baggage I’m actually working on leaving
See, I observed Escher
I love Basquiat
I watched Keith Harring
You see I study art
The greats weren’t great because at birth they could paint
The greats were great cause they paint a lot
I will not be a statistic
Just let me be
No child left behind, that’s the american scheme
I make my living off of words
And do what I love for work
And got around 980 on my SATs
Take that system, what did you expect?
Generation of kids choosing love over a desk
Put those hours in and look at what you get
Nothing that you can hold, but everything that it is
Ten thousand
~ Macklemore, Ten Thousand Hours (The Heist)
Ten thousand hours. The amount of hours it takes to master a craft, Malcolm Gladwell.
Repeat eighteen times. The amount of repetitions it takes to commit something to memory, ?uestlove.
Quality of person. This is what creates a superstar, Marsha Gray.
I, by no means am a superstar, but I do dedicate tireless hours to this writing craft and repetition is what creates perfection. I admit to not being a superstar, but I do consider myself the quality of person that doesn’t need to feel validated by anyone. I don’t need to be validated by a job. It takes patience and a certain type of psychology to succeed. In that downtime, you can begin to feel unaccomplished and if you focus on feeling unaccomplished, you will be unaccomplished.
Macklemore
I took a break writing this piece to play Bingo with my four-year old niece. She loves playing, but has some difficulty finding the numbers over fifteen. I stare into her eyes, while she concentrates on the numbers. She’s looking directly at B-25 with her marker, but cannot find it for the life of her. I patiently talk her through it. The fact she doesn’t get it, but tries her damnedest with total disregard for how long it’s taking is what makes me proudest of her. This is what I mean by being the quality of person who isn’t validated by others. Her mom comes home, she prepares to go bowling and tells me we’ll play again.
What quality of person are you? I’ve heard people say that talent can’t be taught and that may very well be true. More importantly than talent, drive cannot be taught. You can have all the talent in the world, but if it’s wasted. What’s the point? I watched a Robin Thicke interview from the Hour and he made an interesting point. He says, “when I was sixteen, I recorded this album and it wasn’t that good. It was like a B – album and I didn’t want to put it out. I said ‘gimme some time, let me work on it.’ Three or four years later, I’m just sitting on the couch and I’m writing songs for everyone else who’s on TV and I realized it was fear that was holding me back and that’s not a good enough reason to not take a chance.” (The Hour)
Drive is what makes an ordinary person extraordinary. When I read ‘How to win friends and Influence people’, I learned that Henry Ford was not the most talented man in his field. He wasn’t even in the top-tier, but he used drive and vision. He surrounded himself with people smarter than himself and listened humbly to their opinions. If I could have a round table meeting with all the people I consider great, talent wouldn’t matter either. Your drive is what propels you forward in the face of adversity.
When the Toronto Sun article highlighted my passion and life mission, I was beginning to think I had changed. I am serving. Money is great and once again, I thought I had been idling in that “comfortable parking spot”. There’s this quote I like to hang in my head, “the road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spots.”(Rogers). This is a cautionary tale, perhaps I did become too lax in my approach. Maybe I lost a step or two. Who knows? My trip to Montreal shone the high beams on the direction I need to travel. You know how they say, everything happens for a reason. Now, of all the times in my life, I feel like that statement is completely warranted (more on this in the coming months). By sifting through what I don’t like, I’ve discovered the nuggets that I do.
Malcolm Gladwell
It’s been taking me a painstakingly long time to read ‘the 48 Laws of Power’ (Greene), mostly due to the fact that it reads like a text-book. I’m learning a lot about myself through the lessons presented in this book. When people inquire what it’s about, a description is difficult to articulate because it encompasses so much. I recommend this book to everyone, even if some of the principles don’t speak to you. Of particular interest for me thus far is,
Law 28: Enter action with boldness
If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honours the timid. (48 Laws of Power)
and…
Law 29: Plan all the way to the end.
The ending is everything. Plan all the way to it, taking into account all the possible consequences, obstacles, and twists of fortune that might reverse your hard work and give the glory to others. By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you will know when to stop. Gently guide fortune and help determine the future by thinking far ahead. (48 Laws of Power)
The former law speaks directly to taking the initiative and learning through trial & error. ”If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done” (Bruce Lee). Patience is a balanced virtue with a little boldness. There’s a place for both, it’s on you to decide which situation speaks to which.
I cannot predict the future and if you’re not a fortune-teller (a profession I don’t subscribe to), you can’t either. Planning for contingencies is simply that, planning. “Fail to plan, you plan to fail” (Poppa Carpe Diem). I try to plan in advance, sometimes with cloudy to no direction. That’s the boldness in me. Careful strategic planning is sometimes necessary to foresee possible pitfalls. It speaks to my chess days, try to think as many moves ahead of your opponent as possible.
The quality of person you are is directly linked to everything I’ve spoken about here, drive, compassion, boldness, foresight and talent. Use a variation of each and you’ll be fine in any endeavour you chose to follow. We were meant to be bold, well, some of us were. If my message today didn’t cover everything, here’s a pep talk from someone in the know. Enjoy. Happy Media Week.
Carpe Diem Que